Just say “No” to Naples, Fl for Spring break kids! When my buddy asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his older sister at their grandparents home in Naples, FL, I was all about it (hot sister FTW!). After a full week in the area, I can safely say its the most boring place on the earth.

First, everybody is old. No joke, its like god’s waiting room, and some of these old timers are grumpy about the backlog. You’d think this would make a nice and relaxing sort of vibe, but you’d be wrong. Instead, everybody is in a hurry because gramps is backing up traffic by cruising around in his white Cadillac doing 45 mph up and down main street. I normally dig old people (great stories, dirty jokes, etc.), but it was just creepy.

Second, everybody is rich, and kinda showy about it. I only found out later that Naples is one of the wealthiest areas in the nation, but while I was down there I kept seeing Maseratis with prize wife’s in them. Again, you’d think everybody would be relaxed because they never have to work, but instead everybody seemed kinda snotty about the whole money thing.

Third, they roll up the sidewalks when the sun goes down. I think this has something to do with the previous two problems. When the sun goes down, none of the snowbirds (no joke, they call the part-time residents that) can see, so they all go home, and businesses close. The few that are open are pricey as hell (55$ steak meal with a glass of wine? Holy crap!), and nothing really serves the younger demographic. We did go to Fort Myers Beach for one short evening, but a boat ride from there to Captiva Island was canceled, so I can’t say much about either place. And I didn’t even score with the sister! Avoid Naples FL at all costs.